stupid ships of green lights ((___))

Between anger and resentment and bitter jealousy and contentment
I rage, the volumes of this vague nausea and twisting speak, I -
am confused;
I -- need to know, not the words of prophets no, but I -
must have resolution
But resolution is an external force, the culmination of the actions
of others, the building of consequence upon consequence upon
consequence, and -
but not this time. How is one to put words to
one's heart, to know genuinely and in the context of
all things that something is?
Of times past, aught not these feelings that came
before count, be weighed against the now, weighed against
the sinking? They no longer seem relevant -
as always, only the now and tomorrowmatter -
and that is fair to nobody.