Behind the window and through the blinds lies a man, standing and perching, a silhouette outlined by the dreary, nicotine-stained glow of the curtains-made-from-sheets. But anyway there's a man there, peering into my window as I take measures necessary to facilitate sleep, but he's not really doing anything, I mean - I'm not sure he's even watching me, or even looking in this direction, but the hour grows late and the
mind
runs
wild,
drawing demons from crevices filled by plaster and howls and shrieks of memory from the bizarre December thunderstorm winds, and it's generally hard but right now REALLY difficult not to draw lines between nonexistent floating points and shadow the bottoms of spinning geometrics. I don't know how people do it although I imagine this fucking guy that won't stop looking at me has some notion of how.
Hey!
You!
Listen!
I shout, I'm starting to wonder if he's really there at all, if maybe he's not a pseudo-fucking floating dot-point construct, designed and developed and implemented by some crazed group of people ------------------------no! That's unlikely. That is probably impossible. That's crazy. Really, I'm better now and see entirely that said lying-yet-standing man isn't a man, no but he
is
an
illusion!
Looking around at the soft yellow glow from the low-yield/high-power bulbs behind me as their photons leap from dingy couches and onto stained and scarred electronics and into my cerebral cortex, the lack of and maybe I see now a palpable, thickly yogurt-like desperation for wont of another human is ---- retching, but ever-present, and VILE because at this moment,
that
cannot
be,
and really is there every anything nearly as damaging and damning and, I think I'd argue, driving as the desperate drive that comes from knowing that what you know you need is absolutely impossible to attain? The terrible tragedy is the way that vile need creeps into everything, poisoning pure thoughts, but it's not half so bad as the realization that the image you spent hours pouring yourself into
was
never
there.
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